I saw a tweet counting down the days to Christmas, and apparently it’s in 12 days. I thought, “Wow? In 12 days? Really?” and felt more of surprise than excitement for not even realizing how close the day was arriving. It feels really weird, you know, to not feel the Christmas spirit at all. I don’t know if it’s part of growing up, and I’ve heard from people that maybe it’s because we’re growing up… but why would anyone ever grow out of such a thing?
I remember being so excited for Christmas, and it wasn’t just because of the gifts or the money (Okay, maybe a little of the money, I’ll admit!), but mostly because of the feeling the holiday season would bring. I used to just love Christmas ornaments and decorations scattered around the malls, the cheery Christmas songs we’d undoubtedly sing along to while shopping, and the twinkling lights that illuminated the streets at night, how they somehow made you feel, weirdly enough, calm and comforted.
I remember gathering with my family on Christmas Eve for Noche Buena, wearing pretty clothes and looking all dressed up, the kids would be going through all the gifts underneath the tree and shaking them around trying to guess what was in them or they’d be running around being rowdy selves, the grown ups would be drinking their wine and having a laugh, the teenagers would be goofing around, Kimi and I would have our heels off because ain’t nobody got time for that! — I remember how we’d always get one of the dad’s to dress up as Santa Claus and pretend he landed on the roof to give kids the presents. I remember all of that and feeling simply elated by the fact that we were all together, and it was Christmas, and Aunt E & Uncle F were getting tipsy again throwing jokes and their laughs making us laugh. You know what’s weird? Everything I just stated is basically what every Sunday family lunch is like, but somehow the happiness is multiplied by the magic of the holidays. And somehow, every year the feeling of the magic slowly fades away.
I don’t understand what the reason could be for why I’m feeling this way but I refuse to use ‘growing up’ as an excuse or explanation for this waning feeling. Maybe I feel nothing now because the past few months, with Haiyan and all, have been really harsh and no one is up for celebrating… I don’t know. I’ve tried getting down the root of it all, but I’m coming up empty, just plagued with the reason “It’s because we’re getting older.” that was planted in my head.
Well, if you’ve got any ideas, let me know. It just sucks because Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year, and I’m not even excited for it at all anymore.
I’m still hopeful that will all change. Sooner than later.